Paddling with One Oar

Something isn’t right with me.

I’ve been searching pretty hard lately. I’ve been trying to figure out what is going on with me. I’ve been feeling like there is something missing in my life. It isn’t my relationship with God. I have been reading my Bible and praying daily. I took an ecourse called #MakeOverYourMornings, because I thought that might help me. Instead, it has brought up more things I feel like I’m behind on in my life. It wasn’t until I read this blog post someone shared that I figured out what my deal was.

I’m paddling with one oar.

Several years ago, I heard a sermon that used the analogy of a Follower of Christ’s life being a canoe with two oars. One oar is spirituality – your relationship with God, your service, etc. The other oar is what you do – your career/gifting/whatever it is that God made you to do. If you only focus on one oar, you can’t move forward in your life. You’ll be going in circles.

I have been keeping up with my relationship with God, which is of utmost importance to me and my family and the world, really. When I do not spend time with God, when I have not taken the time to allow Him to satisfy me with His love, I am not the same person. I am snappy, become irritated easily, withdraw, get jealous easily, find fault (with myself) easily, and am generally just awful. However, I have found that I am still finding fault with myself, with my life, and becoming jealous of other people. I haven’t been writing, either.

The screenplay that was meant to have a first draft done by August still has no outline.

Yeah.

I’m going around in circles and I am ridiculously dizzy.

With homemaking, housekeeping (which I am lousy at), child rearing, being a wife, helping at the non-profit, family and friend relationships, and my other life responsibilities, I find it difficult to take time to pursue my passions and dreams. When my day is done, I’m exhausted and collapse on the couch next to Hunny until it is permissible to lay in bed. But I have to figure out a way to shake off my exhaustion.

The thing that isn’t right is the thing that hasn’t been written.

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Saving Cats and Enjoying the Rain

It’s gray outside. It’s damp. There’s a slight mist anchoring the last chill winter has to offer. It’s bleak.

And it’s perfect.

I have this sadness inside of me that requires release. I’ve decided to release it as a screenplay. I’ve also decided death will be involved. And there will be tears. Aquatic mountains of tears. And there will be pain. Insurmountable rushes of pain. But with death and tears and pain comes life and joy and laughter.

Last year, I attempted to write a screenplay about a girl whose best friend’s engagement spurs her to persuade her boyfriend to propose. Only he can’t propose until he gets his family’s approval. Spoiler Alert: they don’t approve. I had the misfortune of telling Hunny this couple was based on us and that they would not end up together. In all honesty, the couple was loosely based on us and I hadn’t decided whether or not they would repair their broken relationship. The boyfriend’s inability to stand up to his parents to defend the woman he loved made this decision difficult. Would the girl go back to him? Could he make it up to her? Needless to say, I gave up on the story. Hunny’s dislike of the narrative and my inability to fully overcome my grief was a bad combination.

This year, I’m writing something else. I’m going to use Blake Snyder’s book Save the Cat! as a guide and finish a screenplay. I’m going to share my journey with you, but I won’t share many clear specifics, because I’m still in a fragile state. Hunny said my logline, a one to two sentence description of a screenplay, “sounded good.” His lack of excitement nearly derailed me, so he is officially out of the loop. He’ll be getting the same amount of information as you do. As I read this aloud to him after I post it, I’m sure you’ll be able to hear his protests. Sometimes you have to do something that is uncomfortable for others in order to protect yourself.

I’m excited and nervous! I think it will be great and cathartic. Mainly cathartic.

Here we go!

Kind of a Big Deal (Four Years)

Today is a bittersweet day for me. Today is my fourth blogiversary. It is also the day my second son was due. On a side note, I find it hilarious that babies have a “due date” as if people were library books: This kid was due out yesterday, so you’ll owe us a thousand dollars, if he’s not out by tomorrow.

I started a blog four years ago about movies. I was really excited about it and posted it on my facebook page. Out of my hundreds of friends, two people read it, which really hurt my feelings. It also hurt my feelings when other people post their blogs and get almost 100 likes and the same amount of “I love this!” comments and I get nothing. Honestly, it still stings, which is why I don’t do facebook.

Since none of my “friends” read my blog, I thought I’d create a new one. One that I wouldn’t share with anyone. One that I wouldn’t post on facebook. One that I wouldn’t even tell Hunny about (that lasted a week, maybe two). I wanted to see if anyone would read what I wrote.

And you did.

Thank you.

I have stuck with this blog through Hunny losing two jobs, through health issues, through the Incident, and through wanting to give up. Unlike other blogs I follow, I do not have a book deal, an agent, or any opportunities outside this blog. Thank you for following me anyway. Thank you for reading.

My gift to you is another 30 Days, 30 Movies in September. This time you get to pick the final day’s movie! Choose wisely!

30 Days, 30 Scenes {Day 14} Emotion Scene Two

When I told Hunny that I was doing 30 Scenes in 30 Days, he didn’t think that I could do it. And you know what? He was right! I couldn’t write a scene a day for a month. But I tried. I’m still trying.

This is a scene from my grandmother’s biopic. It doesn’t have character descriptions because the characters have been introduced earlier in the piece.

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After my Grandmother gave birth to Raymond, a still born child, the doctors told her she would never have children of her own. My Grandparents adopted my Aunt. Two years later, she gave birth to another son, my Dad. It’s such a miracle that we’re here right now and I am writing this.

30 Days, 30 Scenes {Day 13} Music Scene Two

I couldn’t decide which song to write about today. So, I had to pick the song that I’ve been singing to myself for days.

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If you’re a Chris Thile fan, don’t watch How to Grow a Band. Trust me. The logline should be: A Machiavellian mandolin player emotionally cripples bandmates.

30 Days, 30 Scenes {Day 12} Art Scene Two

My second Art Scene! This is exciting, you guys! Mostly because I’m using Hunny’s art, but also because I haven’t given up on this series. I usually let life get in the way and take a breather, but this time I’m not. Even though my 30 Days will extend into May, I’m still sharing my scenes with you.

I used to cut pictures out of magazines and stick them up on a cork board for inspiration. I cut out a picture of a flower and Hunny liked it. He liked it so much that he decided to paint it. When it didn’t sell at an Art Show, Hunny said that I could have it. He’s regretted it when people have offered to buy it, but he said it was mine. Do you think I should let him sell it?

Untitled Flower

This is the inspiration for today’s scene.

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I like pink roses. Any shade of pink. Hunny has bought wildflowers for me before, but now that we have Yeeyum, who has allergies, we’ll have to stick with roses.

30 Days, 30 Scenes {Day 11} Bon Mot Scenes 1 & 2

Day Nine was supposed to be a dialogue driven scene, but I couldn’t post it because I didn’t have my laptop. I decided to give you a “two for one” today. Here is the scene for Day Nine:

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Here is the scene for today:

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Now that I’ve recuperated from whatever strange bug I had, I caught Yeeyum’s stomach virus. The joys of motherhood *sigh*