Paddling with One Oar

Something isn’t right with me.

I’ve been searching pretty hard lately. I’ve been trying to figure out what is going on with me. I’ve been feeling like there is something missing in my life. It isn’t my relationship with God. I have been reading my Bible and praying daily. I took an ecourse called #MakeOverYourMornings, because I thought that might help me. Instead, it has brought up more things I feel like I’m behind on in my life. It wasn’t until I read this blog post someone shared that I figured out what my deal was.

I’m paddling with one oar.

Several years ago, I heard a sermon that used the analogy of a Follower of Christ’s life being a canoe with two oars. One oar is spirituality – your relationship with God, your service, etc. The other oar is what you do – your career/gifting/whatever it is that God made you to do. If you only focus on one oar, you can’t move forward in your life. You’ll be going in circles.

I have been keeping up with my relationship with God, which is of utmost importance to me and my family and the world, really. When I do not spend time with God, when I have not taken the time to allow Him to satisfy me with His love, I am not the same person. I am snappy, become irritated easily, withdraw, get jealous easily, find fault (with myself) easily, and am generally just awful. However, I have found that I am still finding fault with myself, with my life, and becoming jealous of other people. I haven’t been writing, either.

The screenplay that was meant to have a first draft done by August still has no outline.


I’m going around in circles and I am ridiculously dizzy.

With homemaking, housekeeping (which I am lousy at), child rearing, being a wife, helping at the non-profit, family and friend relationships, and my other life responsibilities, I find it difficult to take time to pursue my passions and dreams. When my day is done, I’m exhausted and collapse on the couch next to Hunny until it is permissible to lay in bed. But I have to figure out a way to shake off my exhaustion.

The thing that isn’t right is the thing that hasn’t been written.


A Word on Healing

Why is it always your most well intentioned friend who cuts you down or throws you into a depression spiral?

One of my well intentioned friends messaged me on facebook (you know I love facebook!) that she had a miscarriage and that even though it was sad, her heart was now healed. I messaged that I am glad that she was happy but that I cried over her baby. I get a message back that I need to let God heal my heart and that I can’t go on like this and to promise her I will let God’s love heal me.

Am I not letting God heal my hurt? Is it my fault that I’m still emotional about miscarriages and lost babies? Am I defective?

I messaged her back. I recounted everything I had gone through and what God has already done to heal me. One of the things God did was free me from being afraid of sex. I was terrified that I would become pregnant and not survive a second miscarriage. I didn’t want to go through the literal hell I went through losing Jason. And I haven’t even shared the half of it.

Stories of drug addicts who welcome Jesus into their hearts and never touch drugs or alcohol again are fantastic stories of the awesomeness of God. Then you hear stories of people who are saved and battle addiction their whole lives. It is easy to think, Geez, that guy is doing it wrong. Maybe he’s not saved. Maybe he’s not letting God work in him.


But maybe something greater is happening there. Maybe the constant day by day struggle for survival makes that person dependent on God and dependable for God. Maybe that guy is growing and becoming more like Christ every second they flee from temptation. Maybe that guy’s treasures in heaven will outweigh his chaff. Maybe that guys struggles make him more accessible to a group God wants him to reach. Maybe that is God’s plan for him – to shine His love and His light and His glory into dark souls and the dark corners of the earth. Maybe the places he can reach cannot be reached by the guy who was instantly healed.

Most likely.

Emotional pain is difficult. Unlike physical wounds, you can’t see them. You can’t gauge how much longer it will take to heal. There’s no cast for broken feelings. We are all wounded soldiers: arms in slings, bandaged up, and limping through life. It is why God wants us to bear one another’s burdens and to share our joy and grief with one another. It helps healing.

Kindness (Pass It On)

One day, I’ll update you on my life, whereabouts, and doings, but until then, I want to share a microscopic story with you.

Usually when I do a Random Act of Kindness, I have no idea what the effect is or if it even made a difference at all. But a couple weeks ago, I was blessed to see a tiny ripple of kindness from something I did.

I was waiting in line at the store behind a family with a million items. Not to mention, they were price checking items. Cupcake and Peapod were inhabiting the cart and I was wondering how much longer they could handle waiting so patiently. I glanced behind me because I had a feeling that the line had exploded from just me to half the store. I noticed that the guy behind me had a frozen pizza in hand, and I felt bad that he had to wait so long. By the time these people would be done with their purchases, this pizza would be lukewarm at best.

“You go in front of me.”



“Thank you so much!”

I love helping people and I love it even more when they acknowledge it with appreciation. As I was basking in the glow of being thanked for such a minuscule act, I hear the lady behind me with an overflowing basket of stuff say, “Would you like to go in front of me?”  The person behind her declined.

I was so excited to see the effect of the tiny thing I did that I almost missed the second round of thanks from frozen pizza guy.

Have you ever seen the fruits of your kindness?

Thirsty Thursday: Today is All You Have

Death surrounds me.

Steve Jobs’ death is not as impacting or profound in my personal life as the death of my Uncle.  But it is still a harsh blow.  Steve Jobs was born the same year as my parents.  In recent years, he has been a huge inspiration to me, not as the co-founder of Apple computers, but as the guy who helped Pixar become a company when George Lucas was willing to let it die.  Thankfully, like my Uncle, Steve Jobs is no longer suffering under cancer’s cruel reign.

My friend and fellow blogger Daniel wrote a post about Steve Jobs’ death.  He said that he always thought Steve Jobs would get better and keep creating innovative products.  That’s the problem many of us have (including and maybe foremost myself).  We incorrectly assume we have an unlimited amount of time on earth.  We don’t.  Our days are numbered.

O LORD, make me know my end
and what is the measure of my days;
let me know how fleeting I am!
Behold, you have made my days a few handbreadths,
and my lifetime is as nothing before you.
Surely all mankind stands as a mere breath!
Selah                  Psalm 39:4,5

This is meant as an inspiration to live today at its fullest.  Here is an inspiring look at life from Steve Jobs’ 2005 commencement speech at Stanford University:

Remembering that I’ll be dead soon is the most important tool I’ve ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Because almost everything—all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure—these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart.

Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma—which is living with the results of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of others’ opinions drown out your own inner voice.”

It’s so true.  God gave you a purpose.  God gave you a specific job to do on earth.  Aside from knowing Jesus Christ as your personal savior, there is nothing more important than fulfilling God’s will for your life.  I remember hearing a pastor say, “God is not going to ask you why you weren’t more like Moses or more like your successful neighbor.  He’s going to ask you why you weren’t more like you.”  You are the only you God has created or will ever create.  You are it.  If you die today, there will never be another person with your abilities, passions, appearance, and opportunities.  Make the most of what you’ve been given, where you are, right now for His glory.

Today is all you have.

30 Days, 30 Movies {Day 16} Tom Hanks or (Dragnet)

Unlike Harum Scarum, I cannot call Dragnet a “good” bad movie.  We really tried to watch this movie, but Hunny and I are not ones to waste our time.  When Tom Hanks starts wrestling the most fake snake you have ever seen, that is when we gave up.  We stopped watching the movie and watched this inspiring video on the fear of failure and how to work through it.  Enjoy!