A Long Hard Look

I’m sick, you guys. As in, can’t do anything but lay there, can’t concentrate on anything, and just feeling horrendous. There’s nothing like being unable to function to make you reevaluate your life. I don’t like what I see.

I’m wasting my life.

Let me clarify: being Hunny’s wife and being mother/care giver to the Littles is not a waste. It is an honor and a privilege. All the screaming and crying I’ve heard from my sick bed confirms that they cannot function without me, so I’m kind of important to their overall well being and quite possibly their existence. However, I am wasting the precious vapor that is my life.

Aside from the 40+ hours a week I spend taking care of my home and family, I spend all my extra time, energy, and effort helping Hunny with his duties at his second job working for a nonprofit organization. Helping my husband is part of being a wife, but I have nothing left over for myself. I spend zero time and energy following my passions or chasing my dreams. If I don’t change this, I will resent my Hunny. Nobody wants that.

I am going to prayerfully consider what I can do to change this and make time for me.

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Thirsty Thursday: Encouragement

One summer day, I was minding my own eleven year old business taking laundry down from the line.  My Uncle Arlin pulled up with my cousin Adrienne.  He shouted up to me, “I’m proud of you.”  What?  He said, “I’m proud of you for being responsible and doing the laundry.”  Seriously?  In my family, one did not receive praise for doing what is expected.  Extraordinary feats of any kind deserve praise and adulation.  Ordinary duties get no attention of any kind, unless they aren’t done.  Then you get negative attention.

Today has been the crown jewel in an awful week.  I’m sick (and I’m pretty sure I covered how I feel about that here).  The weather where I live has been completely schizophrenic, which takes a toll on a person.  It’s been gray and rainy the entire week, but alternating cold and hot.  How weird is that?

Hunny needed me to go to the Post Office and mail something.  Since the Post Office is around the corner, I walk.  I’m carrying a medium sized box and Cupcake across the road.  Cupcake is wearing her rain boots.  As I make it across the street, a car honks at me twice.  I look back with the sick feeling that Cupcake’s boot is in the road.  It is.  I run back to the spot in the road trying to pick up the boot, not drop Cupcake or the box, and avoid getting run over. Thankfully, we made it inside safe and sound.  I try to ignore the post lady’s bad attitude.  I know deep down it isn’t directed toward me, and I know I’m sick, so I am more sensitive than usual (Even things on facebook got to me today.  Facebook is the devil.  I think I am going to permanently switch to Google Plus).

We leave the Post Office and I’m winded.  I am beyond exhausted.  I am also determined not to let one of Cupcake’s boots fall in the road, so I carry her in such a manner that I have my hands on them.  The light changes and I’m waiting for cars to turn so that I can cross.  Right in the middle of the road, I notice the light changing, “Oh, crap!”  I start running and I hear a sweet little voice say, “Oh cap.”  Then she starts singing it.  I try to hold back the tears thinking about teaching Cupcake to say crap.  I am definitely getting my Mary Poppins license revoked.

I’m tired.  I feel terrible.  Cupcake wants to walk a different way to look at a tree, so I let her.  We walk around the corner to see this:

This picture does not do the Monarch butterfly I saw today justice (Where’s my camera when I need it?).  It was stunning.   It was huge and so bright.  The way the orange wings looked against the pale lavender petals of the flower it was enjoying was breath taking.  I knew that was God encouraging me.  It’s ok.  You are doing a great job.  I’m proud of you.  Look at this butterfly I brought to you.  Enjoy it!

Everyone we know needs encouragement sometimes.  We are told to encourage each other:

Therefore encourage one another and build one another up, just as you are doing.  1 Thessalonians 5:11

If you need encouragement, I want you to know that you are awesome.  God loves you and He is very proud of all that you are doing.

Dread Upon Dread

As a follower of Christ and a believer that God is Love, I don’t agree with hate.  I do not believe that someone who is truly a follower of Jesus Christ can hate anyone or anything.

However, there is one thing that I can say that I have trouble not hating… Being sick.  Does anyone enjoy being sick?  Can anyone honestly say, “Being sick is great!  You feel like crap and you can’t do normal things like breathe without wanting to take a nap.  It’s the best!”  Thankfully, I haven’t been sick in about a year.  God has kept me healthy and I am beyond thankful for that.

Our neighbors have the flu.  We live in a building that was turned into apartments (I know that sounds cool, but it is really not cool at all).  My mom told me to use Clorox wipes on all the door handles to get out of the building, but we’re out and my cold addled brain forgot to take the Clorox wipes my mom offered to let us use.  I don’t think I have the flu though… At least, I hope I don’t.  I’m praying that I don’t.  And I’m taking Mucinex and Dayquil to keep me from totally keeling over in my attempt to live.

Being sick takes a toll  on every part of a person.  I am a sensitive person.  I am overly compassionate and empathetic.  I cry for people I don’t know.  It can be really embarrassing.  When I was a teenager, I learned to control my emotions and turn that off, but stifling myself was not the answer.  I’m trying to embrace that part of me.  My hunny loves that part of me, and he finds it endearing and special… Except when I’m sick.  When I’m sick, I’m even more emotionally sensitive.  Yesterday, my hunny went into Walmart to grab those medicines for me and asked me to stay in the car.  It was unseasonably warm and even with the windows rolled down, I was sweaty.  He left his phone in the car and I saw that it had been twenty minutes since he had gone into the store.  I thought it would be a good idea to go inside and find him, since he was probably stuck in a long line somewhere.  I walked all the way from one end to the other, and I realized we must have missed each other somehow.  So I turned myself around to walk back, and there was my exasperated hunny.  He said, “Why didn’t you stay in the car?  I thought someone kidnapped you or something!”  I burst into tears in the middle of Walmart.  I felt so awful for making him worry about me, I couldn’t even speak.  I felt so guilty and was so upset thinking he was mad at me, I cried uncontrollably.  He kept asking me why I was crying and I couldn’t tell him.  All I could do was cry.  He assured me that he was not mad at me and if the situation had been reversed, he would have done the same.

I hate cannot tolerate being sick.  It’s the worst.  But at least I’m not crying today, so I think I’m on the road to recovery!