Embarrassing Subliminal Crush

For most of my life, liking people has been disastrous. Not just with romantically liking people, either. I was the new kid in 5th grade and I scanned the room for a new friend. The girl I chose, Crystal, turned out to be mean and completely uninterested in being friends with me. At the end of the year, I consoled myself with the knowledge that she had no friends in the class, so it wasn’t all me. But still!

I totally and completely blame Hunny for my most recent embarrassing crush moment. His favorite basketball player, Steve Nash, retired last season and Hunny was on the hunt for a new orange ball handling hero.

As you know, Hunny is my best friend. We tell each other everything. In my quest to be Hunny’s dream wife, I actively listen and do my best to participate in all his interests. Even ones that are not particularly interesting to me. I know almost as much as Hunny knows about Steve Nash: he’s Canadian, plays basketball for his country in the Olympics, has a set of twin children, plays soccer in the off season, won NBA MVP or Player of the Year twice, was a spokesman for Vitamin Water, drafted to the Pheonix Suns, he was traded to the Mavericks, played for the Suns a second time, friends with my favorite former Duke player Grant Hill, and retired with the LA Lakers. Once he chose Kevin Love as his new basketball athlete to watch and revere, I was ready to memorize.

Hunny shared all the Instagram posts with me: training camp, visiting sick children in the hospital, charitable events, goofing around with teammates, pictures of him as a child, and being jersey “0” for the Cavaliers.

Love. 0. Like tennis. Cute.

Flash forward to the ’14-’15 NBA Playoffs. Kevin Love was injured in one of the first games. Hunny called me into my parent’s den to see the announcers of the game commenting on a picture of him giving the thumbs up from a hospital bed.

Sorry your guy is injured. Maybe he’ll get better and play in another game.

Hunny informed me he was out for the playoffs, and I felt sorry for him.

What happened next is a shocking blur of events. I don’t quite remember all the details.

One of the final games, possibly THE final game, I watched with Hunny at our house. I was watching while reading and every so often Hunny would yell out, “Look! It’s {fill in the blank with some athlete or celebrity or sports figure who no longer plays}!” and “Watch this replay!” I also looked  up once in a while so that if Hunny asked if I had seen “that play,” I could confirm I had seen whatever play. At one of these moments, I saw Kevin Love watching the game from the sidelines.

A 14 year old fangirl voice practically screamed, “LOOK! IT’S KEVIN LOVE!” I felt my face catch on fire at the realization that I was pointing to the TV. That voice came from me! I looked over at Hunny, who was looking at me, completely horrified and stunned simultaneously.

I didn’t know he was out of the hospital, I mumbled.

“What was that?!?!”

I don’t know!

Looking back, I think it was all the visiting sick children and charitable work with kids that got to me. I’m a sucker for a man who’s kind and caring to children (Hunny works with children and is kind and caring to them, by the way). I still don’t understand how I developed a crush on Kevin Love without my knowledge. How did that even happen?

He does look like he could be Hunny’s twin. And their moms have the same name. How weird is that?

Needless to say, Hunny is not a Kevin Love fan anymore. He likes a player for the Charlotte Hornets, Frank “The Tank.” I don’t remember his last name and I’m not going to learn it, either.

Thirsty Thursday: Satisfied

I have been feeling like I’m lacking as of late: lacking accomplishment, lacking recognition, and just lacking in general.

A couple months ago, I heard Psalm 145 being read on the radio. The entire Psalm spoke to me deeply, but one verse in particular caught my heart.


You open your hand, You safisfy the desire of every living thing. Psalm 145:16


Wow.

Blades of grass have desires. Birds have wants. Even single celled organisms have desires. And God, in His infinite kindness and love, opens His hand and satisfies them.

Our desires are different than those of amoeba, but God can satisfy them. God grants our prayers. I have not been faithful in praying about my desires. I haven’t been looking to God to satisfy my deepest wants. I’ve been looking to someone powerless, incapable, and finite to satisfy my desires: me.

My friends and family always come to me for help. I am always there. I pray, I encourage, I do everything I can to push them closer to their goals and dreams. But I can’t do it for myself. I asked Hunny why I can’t help myself. Why can’t I “make things happen” for myself?

God satisfies the desire of every living thing. He wants to satisfy my desires. He wants me to look to Him, because He can do it! Even if I succeed in my own strength, it will be hollow, an empty victory. How can I bring glory to God when I am not relying on Him fully?

Ask God to satisfy your desires. He wants to do it. He wants to open His hand for you and demonstrate His power and love. Let Him.

A (Slightly) Morbid Valentine

I had planned on posting about making sugar cookies for my snowed in neighbors. I had planned to blog about Random Acts of Kindness and how kindness is needed. But my father-in-law called. Hunny’s Aunt is in the hospital. She may or may not be having a heart attack. His Aunt has five children and has been their sole parent since being widowed this past summer.

My maternal Grandmother died suddenly in September 2009. I never got to tell her goodbye. I was unable to attend her funeral. Despite these grim facts, I know she knew that I loved her. How do I know this? I was the only grandchild who sent her a Mother’s Day card that year. I know this because my mother told me she made a big deal about it in a phone conversation they had.

I almost died this year. On January 29th, I started bleeding. I bled so much that I passed out in the bathroom at home. I bled so much that I lost Yeeyum’s brother. I bled so much that I passed out in the ER. I bled so much that I needed more than four bags of fluid. I almost bled to death. But I didn’t.

When I thought I would die, I did not have any regrets in regards to my relationships. My husband knows I love him. We don’t have the finances to go on lavish trips, regular dates, or buy each other nice presents, but he still knows that I love him. Yeeyum is almost fifteen months old. He knows, as much as he can, that I love him. Cupcake and the rest of family know that I love them. My friends know that I love them, too. Even people I don’t care for know that I love them (Because I do love them. Because God loves them.)

No one is guaranteed tomorrow. If there is anyone in your life who you haven’t told you love, tell them. If you haven’t told someone you care for them lately, find a way to show it. Someone you love may need the encouragement. Someone you know needs to hear this. Maybe you need to hear it:

You are LOVED.

 

Saving Mr. Banks (Disney on Disney)

I love Disney; I love period pieces; and I am beyond excited about Saving Mr. Banks. As a small child, I loved Mary Poppins.  There is home video of me and my brothers singing “Stepping Time,” and if I knew how to convert VHS into digital, I would share it on the blog.  I reviewed Mary Poppins for my 30 Days, 30 Movies challenge, and while doing research on the film, I found that P. L. Travers left the premiere in hysterics over how Disney ruined her book.  I am so looking forward to how they portray this in Saving Mr. Banks, if they portray it at all. The Disney company has a tradition of taking stories and changing them to fit a “feel good” paradigm (have you ever read or seen the original The Little Mermaid? Gruesome).

In preparation for watching the film, I am reading the book and I will review Mary Poppins with Hunny this go around.

Are there any movies coming out this holiday season that you are looking forward to seeing?

Having a Baby = Temporary Brain Damage

Before Hunny met his future trophy wife (that would be me), he had some less than stellar employment gigs.  One was at a retail store that no longer exists.  This work environment was brimming with estrogen as only three or four employees were male.  Adding a good looking nice guy into the mix created some kind of explosion resulting in creepy stories about lockers, inappropriate behavior, and my being thankful that he didn’t work there when we met.  

Of the plethora of female colleagues, Hunny found someone to crush on.  This girl was the definition of trouble.  A dress code was created and enforced based on her wardrobe alone.  Not surprisingly, she totally destroyed a section of his heart by having relations in his apartment with one of his friends (true story).  

Fast forward a couple years and he meets a sweet, imperfect girl with big dreams and an even bigger heart.  They fall in love, get married, become a one income family, have a son, become a zero income family, and move out to the country.  Rewind to a few weeks ago.  Hunny gets invited to a baby shower.  It’s for his former manager from the nonexistent store.  ALL his former coworkers are invited.  He asks me if we should go…  

What would you have said?

I said, “If we can make it, let’s go.”  

Really?  Really.  Why in the world would anyone want to go to something like that?  

I’ll tell you why.  I am a writer.  I have a feeling this baby shower is going to be rife with material I can store in my brain to use in the future.  I am sure they are going to share the most interesting stories about their lives.  Also, Yeeyum (that’s what Cupcake calls Peapod, so that’s his name here now) is the cutest baby boy in the world, and I want them to see the adorable person God made through Hunny.  

But what about the girl with low moral fiber AKA Hunny’s former crush?  What if she’s there?  

I guess you’ll have to find out what happens tomorrow.  The baby shower is in the afternoon.

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Emergency Diaper Bag: It contains diapers, wipes, pacifiers, and a thermometer. It’s meant to stay in your car, so if you forgot something in your everyday bag, you have it.

Thirsty Thursday: You CAN do it!

As my Hunny and I are reading through the Bible, God is speaking to me and my current situation.  I haven’t really talked about the writer’s block and general feeling of self-loathing I’ve been dealing with for what feels like years, but has really been months.  I know that God created me to write.  I’ve written since I could hold a crayon.  But lately, I’ve been feeling like a fraud and a failure.  The words won’t come out.  I’ve tried almost everything of which I could think.  Giving up was my last resort.  I thought maybe if I quit for a while, I’ll be able to write again in the future.

Then God said this:

Have I not commanded you?  Be strong and courageous.  Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you everywhere you go.  ~Joshua 1:9

God originally said this to the Israelites to encourage them to continue on and enter the Promised Land.  God knew the road ahead for them.  He knew that there would be battles to fight, kings to overthrow, and walls to break down.  He also knew that they had no reason to be afraid.  God was with them.  He gave them victory.  He will give us victory in the things that He has for us to do.  So I’m getting off the internet to work on my writing.

Be strong and courageous.  God is with you.

Generosity or (How to Embarrass Yourself Without Really Trying)

I’ve been taking care of Cupcake, a 15 month old girl, during the day. Cupcake and I have a great time together. The only thing about taking care of a 15 month old is that they come with a lot of baggage. I’m talking sippy cups, special spoons, special food, pacifier wipes, pacifier holders, diaper bags, baby wipes, car seats, strollers, etc. If everyone could think up one product that was baby related, we’d all be millionaires.

There’s a coffee shop around the corner from where I live, and I really needed coffee. There wasn’t any in the house and I was tired. It is amazing how much energy one needs to take care of a small person, not including the energy needed to maintain. I thought instead of loading up Cupcake in the stroller with all her stuff, I’d just hold her in my arms and walk over there. I put four dollars in my pocket, and we trekked around the corner.

As I was waiting in line, there was an older man behind us who chatted with me and with Cupcake. The mochas there are $3.50, so I knew I had plenty of money. I must have ordered the wrong thing or she rang up a different item because the total was $4.32. I scrounged in my pocket to find more money. There was none. On top of that, Cupcake was tired of being held and started to squirm out of my hands. The man behind me gave the barista a dollar for me. I thanked him profusely. I didn’t know his name and he didn’t ask me to pay him back. It was a humiliating experience that made me thankful for others.

A stranger paying for my coffee made me think of Christ paying for my sins on the cross. It makes me think about what Jesus did for us. He didn’t have to die. But He did. He rose again on the third day giving us hope for tomorrow. He loves us like nobody’s business, and I think we can let that get overshadowed by the bad things in this world. No matter what happens around us, His love is the one thing that remains. It is the one thing that never changes. His love is generously bestowed on us. Bask in that love today!

Stay away from me, I’m trying to sleep!

Unfortunately, I have always had trouble sleeping.  I have memories of being four years old laying in bed, wishing I could go down the hall and watch tv with my parents or play, wondering why I couldn’t just sleep already, and trying to figure out if I could sneak out of bed without getting into trouble (no, I couldn’t).  Even though I’ve been sleep impaired for 20 some odd years, I’ve never been overly tired or exhausted, even without naps.

I have never been so exhausted in my life.  I am almost always tired, and when I want to sleep, my hunny wants to watch tv or talk to me or do something that requires the lights being on making sleep for me impossible.  My hunny has no trouble rolling on his side and snoring.  He rolls over and he’s asleep.  I’m left laying there wishing I could just sleep already, wondering why he can sleep and I can’t, and trying to figure out new ways of making myself sleepy so I can SLEEP ALREADY!!

Last night, I discovered something about myself that I didn’t even know existed: I am a terrible, awful human being when I am sleep deprived.  I was in a horrid mood because I didn’t get a good night’s sleep the night before and I let hunny take a nap in the afternoon (I should have taken the nap!).  Late last night, I wanted to sleep.  Hunny wanted to talk about things, poor guy.  I said things that I shouldn’t have and laughed.  How awful is that?  I was no longer thinking before speaking, and it really surprised me.  I don’t always THINK before I speak, but I do most of the time.  I’ve learned my lesson.  I have to make hunny let me sleep so that I can stay the calm, kind person I am instead of a beastly monster.  Before I tell my hunny to let me sleep, I’m going to THINK:

T – Is it True?

H – Is it Helpful?

I – Is it Inspiring?

N – Is it Necessary?

K – Is it Kind?

Hopefully, I can tell him in such a way that he will understand.  After all, isn’t communication the essential part of any relationship?

no money, mo’ problems or How I discovered I am a gadget snob

Look at me! A post on Monday, woo, woo!

Like everyone else in our country, my hunny and I are going through rough financial times.  We are doing our best to create savings and eliminate debt all while staying afloat… You know, basic living.  Hunny is working a soul sucking menial job he hates that barely pays anything.  Other than my relatively prestigious yet non-paying role of “trophy wife,” I am without employment that involves a salary.

Our cell phone contract is up this week (I can’t believe it has been two years already!), and we went to our cell phone company’s place of business to discuss our options a few weeks ago.  We were looking forward to our plan’s rate lowered, since we already have the smallest family plan you can get with the least amount of minutes & unlimited text.  This company is or WAS known for great service with reasonable rates.  To our dismay, we found out that not only did the rate stay the same, it actually went up because they don’t really sell phones that aren’t smart that need a $30/month service package. Or you could get the cheap service plan that is $10/month, which is still $20 a month more than what we are currently paying.  $20 a month that we don’t have to spend on our cell phones.  We have other bills, and my hunny enjoys eating at least three times a day. Go figure.

We left our cell phone service place dejected.  Fortunately, there’s a Target nearby so I was able to walk around my happy place.  We stopped by my parents’ house to discuss our options.  I suggested that I get a prepaid phone, and my parents proceed to show me the prepaid phone they got from the dollar store.  It was not as cute as my sister-in-law’s prepaid phone, but it was cheaper and had a ton of minutes.  As I held it in my hand and examined it, I was secretly judging this poor phone.  It’s a slider, but there’s only numbers on the other side.  The buttons looked enormous like the buttons on the phones specifically made for older individuals.  I can’t be seen with an old lady phone in public!  I’m a young, up and coming, trophy wife.  Not a gramma!

We went by my parents’ house yesterday to see my brothers who were visiting from another state.  I saw the phone on the counter, and it didn’t look that bad to me.  Somehow it got cuter over the weeks.  The buttons didn’t look any bigger than the ones on the phone that I have now.  I think after touring the cell phone place and deciding which beautiful new phone to get made the prepaid phone look terrible.  I think that’s why they make you wait.  There’s nothing else to do while you wait except walk up and down the phone displays.  Once you’ve already walked the walls, you have to walk them again because your name hasn’t been called; even though there are two other people in there, and you’re pretty sure they got there after you.  The third time you walk, you play with the phones.  Then you get attached to one.  It’s shiny and new and gets all these cool apps… You have to have it.  At that precise moment, your name gets called and all you want to do is talk about the phone you didn’t even know existed three hours ago.

We have to go back to renew our contract, and I don’t mind telling the lady who helped us that we can’t afford to have two phones with their rates.  I care more about being responsible with the present so that we can have a better future.  So what if I have an ugly prepaid phone!  My hunny and I are on our way to being debt free some day, and when that day comes, I can get any shiny phone I want!