Hunny’s lunch pail is a styrofoam cooler. He’s a tall drink of water with the metabolism of five overachievers. If a normal person ate as much as he did, they’d be the size of a house in a matter of weeks. He was going through his food stuffs for the next day, when he found it.
“You put a note in my lunch!”
No, I didn’t.
I braced myself for what was coming next. I knew that there were several women at work who were “so surprised” that he was married, let alone a father (despite the wedding ring). One lady, who inappropriately touched his hip, is quite bothersome. She’s a middle aged lady who has burned through a batch of marriages and I guess she’s on the prowl. Hunny told me she said that she noticed that sometimes he puts his pencil in his back pocket instead of his pouch. Sometimes. She watches him enough to know that. Yikes.
“Tell me you’re joking. Please, tell me you’re joking!”
Then he hands me this:
Hold on a minute while I go throw up.
Just looking at that note makes my physically ill. But I don’t posses the skills to describe the lasciviousness of it. It has to be seen.
On the one hand, Hunny and I must be doing something right if our marriage is getting attacked. You don’t hear about people in unhappy marriages getting notes like this. They might write a note like this.
I told Hunny that he needed to tell his manager or someone in the Human Resources department because it is unsolicited and it should be addressed. He really didn’t want to, but he said that he would.
Although it shouldn’t have, it ruined the following day. I had text it to my closest friends because I was so freaked out. Two of my friends have lived through some rough times in relationships both personally and in their families. They both wanted to make sure that Hunny was innocent. His innocence isn’t even an issue. If they had seen how happy he was that I left a note in his lunch pail, and how crushed to find it was from SSH, they wouldn’t have asked. But then I started to think maybe I was wrong. Maybe he wanted a note from SSH or anyone else…
When he came home, I waited until after dinner to ask him if he found out anything. No one knew who wrote it. The consensus was that it was creepy and no one there would do that. But they did. It in fact had happened, but the perpetrator was nonexistent. Hunny didn’t mention it to his supervisor or Human Resources. That’s when I fell into the doubt spiral. He doesn’t care, maybe he wants to go to the Smoker’s Shed, maybe he likes the attention, he’s tired of me and it only took five years… And I couldn’t get out. I ended up going to our bedroom and crying alone because I was upset and I just wanted to be alone.
I would like to say that when he came in the room, we talked immediately and I felt better. It was more like a couple episodes of Seinfeld and Hunny cuddling me tighter than a cobra to squeeze it out of me. He didn’t want to talk to his manager or anyone else in management because he was afraid she might be crazy. Crazy enough to poison his lunch.
When Hunny was growing up, his next door neighbor started dating the nice lady who was renting the house next to his. She was an elementary school counselor and got along well with his kids and the kids in the neighborhood. All was well until she snapped and tried to kill him by poisoning his food. Thankfully, he didn’t die and she didn’t poison anyone else. It’s kind of hard to get the ingredients to poison people in prison.
If she’s crazy enough to poison your lunch when she’s mad, she’s going to do it now. You never showed up to the Smoker Shed. Don’t you want someone to know so if you end up sick after lunch, an ambulance is called or something because they know about this crazy note. What if she keeps sending you notes? What are you going to do then? You have to build up a case against someone in order to get a restraining order, and you have to start with the first incident.
Hunny was convinced. He told his manager the next day. His manager was none too pleased and wants to confront SSH as soon as anyone finds out who it is.
Now that Hunny and I are relieved that this person will be dealt with in a way that will keep Hunny safe, we were free to go about our business. We walked around Walmart while the car got an oil change. Hunny was looking for exacto knives for art, and I was walking around with a cart full of cuteness. I got hung up one aisle down, so when I reached the aisle Hunny was in, he was talking to a lady in the aisle. She had crazy long hair, was dressed up as if she were on her way to a date, and wearing abundantly more makeup than is needed for a date. Definitely more makeup than is required for perusing the craft aisles at Walmart. When Hunny introduced her as someone from work, she wouldn’t look me in the eye and barely glanced at Yeeyum. She pointed Hunny to another aisle, turned her cart around, and disappeared. I couldn’t help but wonder, Was that SSH?